DARWIN AWARDS

IMAGINE IF THE DARWIN AWARDS BECAME AN ANALOGY FOR LIFE

Maybe we are becoming stupider by the day, but we haven’t noticed yet? Probably best not to contemplate that – it might make us paranoid.

I WAS ABDUCTED

 

I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS AND ANALLY PROBED

Sometimes we just have to bend over and take it like a gimp.

This one time, I was abducted by aliens. After twelve hours of anal probing they informed me that I would now believe everything I was told by the government.

They also told me that the reason they had beamed me on board their ship was because I kept going on about conspiracies, and if I wanted to avoid further anal probing I would have to stop all that.

So to all the people who want to ask me if I have been abducted by aliens, the short answer is yes, and that is why I haven’t been mentioning any conspiracies.

Then today I realised that we are all being anally probed our sleep anyway so I might as well keep going on about conspiracies.

I’m probably in line for some extra hardcore probing, but what the hell.

HOW TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN

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Americans know how to dress themselves better than any other nation.

The key to making America the greatest nation on earth again is for Americans to be proud of their bodies and their sexuality, and to stop being inhibited – to show the world they are proud to be their true selves.

And the best way for them to do that is to dress for success.

https://mic.com/articles/121660/7-reasons-the-united-states-is-the-greatest-country-in-the-world#.eo9vUsjpg

NOT SAFE FOR AMERICANS (NSFA)

The internet is being made safer for Americans.

This is long overdue as many Americans have been offended. Sites like Fakebook and Youtub are now leading the move to protect Americans from gratuitous offense danger (GOD).

Here are some offensive things that qualify as NSFA:

Use of taboo words that should not be spoken

There are certain words that no American should ever have to see, let alone hear uttered. These include:

The “N” word (NIGGER), the “C” word (CUNT), the “F” word (FRIES), the “P” word (PADS), and the “Z” word (ZEBRA)

Questioning of sacred cows

Long held icons of American culture are beyond question. Pointing out that any of these may not hold up well to background checking, would certainly qualify a post as NSFA.

These might include Microsoft, Atomic Bombs, Dunkin Donuts, Alex Jones, The Moon Landing, McDonalds, Bill Cosby, Google, and Mickey Mouse for example.

Discussion of American statistics that don’t look very good.

Especially anything to do with health. Or money. Or crime. Or war. That sort of thing is just inappropriate. And NSFA.

Statistics such as: 66 percent of all Americans are considered to be overweight, the U.S. has never gone a decade without war, Americans watch 4 hours and 42 minutes of television PER DAY on average, doctors in the United States write more than 250 million prescriptions for antidepressants each year, and the United States has the most laws of any country.

Exposing mainstream propaganda

Some subjects can be argued about until the sacred cows come home, but there is always someone still left who hasn’t grasped that they haven’t got a leg to stand on, and will keep attacking the official story. The official story is official, so that means it is true. To say otherwise should be NSFA.

Some things that should never be questioned include: 911, vaccinations, global warming, low fat diets, autism, democracy, water fluoridation and anything in Wikipedia.

https://www.frot.co.nz/design/sift/conspiracies/

Being offensive

There are certain subjects that should never be encountered by any civilized American. Like money, religion, politics, or going to the bog (restroom) to take a massive dump. These subjects are cheap, unchristian, and politically incorrect…

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