“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain
“Look…you can’t proclaim yourself king just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at you” – Monty Python, Holy Grail
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”
― Lily Tomlin
“There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone’s face is in close proximity to your penis. This was not one of those times.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska
“Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.”
― Thomas Bernhard, Correction
“I’m placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don’t know, possibly littering.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant
“What is your advice to young writers?”
“Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.”
― Charles Bukowski, Hot Water Music
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/funny?page=7
George Carlin knocked out a few good ones!
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that” – George Carlin
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
― George Carlin
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
― George Carlin
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
― George Carlin
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
― George Carlin
“Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
― George Carlin
“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
― George Carlin
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
― George Carlin
“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bullshit they teach you in school.”
― George Carlin
“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
― George Carlin
“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
― George Carlin
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
― George Carlin
“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.”
― George Carlin
“I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.”
― George Carlin
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked” – George Carlin
“Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity'” – George Carlin
“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be” – George Carlin
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin
“God loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”
― George Carlin
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
― George Carlin
“It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
― George Carlin
“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
― George Carlin
“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”
― George Carlin
“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
― George Carlin
“Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything.”
― George Carlin
“No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
― George Carlin
“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
― George Carlin
“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”
― George Carlin
“People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”
― George Carlin
“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
― George Carlin
“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”
― George Carlin
“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. ”
― George Carlin
https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/22782.George_Carlin?page=4
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